Get me a compass. Preferably, one that works.

The blog is back.

You'd think after a month hiatus I'd be tempted back to my old ways and rattle off the biggest bulleted list of randoms one has ever seen.

Nope. That won't happen. (I'm not saying the WR is extinct; it shall rise again!)

As you may have noticed, there's a new pic in the background. One that completely captures how I felt today, the 28th day of what has been the worst month of 2012. 4 months to go in this year, and I'm convinced the universe hates me if something tops the nightmare which has been the month of August (and I attribute 98% of this grief to work and job related fiascoes. My personal life never gets that much out of control.)

I refuse to believe I am the only one who, on a minimum of a weekly basis, questions what exactly is it I was put on this planet to do. I believe I've touched on the mortality topic in my blogs; I'm keenly aware I will exist for a finite period of time on this spinning ball, and I see my days, weeks, months, not as an infinite loop of wake/eat/work/sleep [repeat], but as smaller episodes in the bigger series which is MY LIFE.

Now don 't go gettin all "Oh, she's having some sort of wicked mood swing (I will not confirm nor deny this) and it taking it out on the new blog"
I am merely pointing out the fact I have been spending the last 10 years wasting my time (while being paid, important fact) doing something that neither showcases my skills nor fulfills anything in me that reaffirms, "This is what I was meant to do"

Most people don't care. Work=money=bills paid. Sorry, I don't think so one-dimensionally. I'm more stubborn than a Goddamn donkey and nothing, nothing will stop me from realizing this answer which has been eluding me since the first day I began working a real full time job.

This feeling really starts to amp up once I've hit the 3 year mark. Inevitably, when I'm not being met with challenge, when I'm putting out more fires that those who drive the red trucks, and I ask myself, "As a person of free will, why am I putting myself though this?", that's when I start getting antsy. I'm not satisfied. I'm just going through the motions. Don't I owe it to myself to see this through to the end? That graphic of the crossroads with tons of unmarked arrows slaps me square in the face, usually a stinging kind of slap after a particularly horrible day. And with each passing year and each job change, things get much better (financially, etc), but the bigger question remains a gigantic, frustrating mystery.

I won't deny that I'm grateful to have a very sweet deal right now. This doesn't slow my determination to find my answer. I will not stop. I've read every book and blog on this topic over the past 10 years and have answered more surveys and personality profiles than I care to admit. There have been plenty of people who have found success and something meaningful after 30. I just keep telling myself I will soon add my name to that list.